Losing myself to reality

Time stopped after my birthday. I withdrew into myself and the hyperproductivity abruptly ended. I sunk into a depression I never knew could exist and waking up every morning was utter hell. I'd cry every morning, sometimes for hours, trying to will myself to get out of bed. Adam took over the household duties completely and focused on appearing cheerful and normal for Noah, Then other things began to change. I'd become startled or frightened so easily. I would panic if I had to move around in an even remotely enclosed space, or if anyone stood too close to me. I began to react to everything with blind rage. Just so much as Adam asking me where something was would trigger me and I'd see red. With no idea why. I didn't communicate with him anymore, I would just snap at any attempt he made to speak with me and we began to drift apart. Not because of anything he had done: it was all me.

On Valentine's Day I weirdly had a wave of nausea and straight to the trusty pregnancy test I went. There it was: the two lines. I was near hysterical. I couldn't BEAR another loss. I'd been spending every moment of every day with an overwhelming feeling that one more tragedy would be the end of me. That I literally couldn't physically bear an ounce more heartache and if one more thing occurred, I'd have to check out of this life early.

I don't know if I had a chemical pregnancy or whether there was by some chance still some HCG lingering in my system, but the pregnancy tests grew fainter each day until they were negative. I was grateful for that. Soon I developed a constant tremor which I attributed to the anti depressant my GP had prescribed me. My doctor has been incredible for me. Incredible. But the drugs didn't work and I ultimately gave up. The tremor remained and I began to find certain things very physically difficult. Anything needing even a small amount of precision with my hands and fingers became so hard. It felt like I couldn't properly control them. I couldn't spoon feed Noah, use a fork, put on eye makeup etc. I was drowning in my own frustration. It became clear pretty soon that I wasn't going to be able to go back to running events. I'd stand in the garage, my head swimming with confusion as I tried to organise my mental plan for what was needed for an event. Trying to pick up small ornaments, cutlery etc was a nightmare and I had to have my dear friend Carolyn take over. The one time I attempted to do a party, the lady running it turned out to be a client I had done an event setup for once before. I have extremely bad facial recognition so I didn't realise until she mentioned the last event I had done for her. Then her face lit up and she said 'hang on! Didn't you just have a baby? Wow you look amazing!'

I saw Carolyn's staff member, who was standing nearby setting up the catering, visibly stiffen when she heard this. I almost had to leave my body as I faked a smile and replied 'yes I did! Thank you!'

I immediately changed the topic and waited until I was alone in my car to cry. Adam had to go back to pack up for me and that was that. The business is now for sale. I can't do it anymore. I can't.

That's all for now.